A Fucked up Way for someone to be

Have you ever though about the way that people think and do these days? some of the time its like either they dont know or dont care to whom they hurt or people that suffer from their mishaps. It really kinda amazes me as to how people think and act and do in the world today.

As i start off i am referring to an incident that occured at my

May Today Be All You Need It To Be !!

May today be all you need it to be. My the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears. My God manifest himself today in ways you have never experienced. my your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer,and your prayers be answered. I pray that faith enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged. I pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true, and undying love of God

"" ? ""

I have covered a lot of grounds over the past 12 years since I came out to my moms about my sexuality. Here just recently I thought about how much pain and suffering I have went through and how I have put people though. It is very hard living my lifestyle and being me to the point that I don’t want to be me anylonger. I find myself weaping over things that I cannot controll. Getting angry at people cause they don’t like the way that I am. Is there some type of change that I am going through that I should know about?

Over the past several months id say prolly 8-10 I have been in many relationships that ended up being just a lust for the other person or myself. I don’t dislike the person cause of what they desire, I dislike the fact that they used me or visaversa to possiably get that desire then thrown away like a worn out rag. An understament came across me this evening, someone had fallen in love, Hmmmm… ODD one for me….

I was in love once and it swept away from me.. this was long before my moms knew anyting about me…

Well to make things a little shorter, The person I am refering to is a person that I have spoken about in previous conversations… He is a one of a Kind guy that I would like to get to know more about and all, although he thinks that I have lied to him twice but I don’t recall ever lieing to him. Not to my knowledge. If I did I do appologize, I do recall jumping down his throat and jumping to conclusions about things, but if you was to read some of the things that this person writes you would think the same lines that I did when I read them..

What is the world coming to where every human being is after some type of sex act? What do we have to say for ourselves. I have sat online for hours and hours just trying to see who and what I could get myself into and when it boils down to it , I really didn’t want to do anything at all, it was all part of my immigination. Or at least I thought I did. I can sit in my bedroom for hours, even If I have to work that day I can sit and just chat up a storm with just about anybody and before that conversation ends im making a date to sleep with them? Boy that does make me look bad, I mean real bad, Am I that desperate that I need to have sex that often or is it just cause im lonely and cant find the right person to fill what is lost or emty… I tend to judge people before I know anyting about them, I plan to change that but it does take time and time is patience and paitence is virtue, so the say. Well my virtue is about out..

Commenting on the subject about being in love I wrote to him and said these words to him in a round about way “ I don’t know who you are refering to but I don’t know if I want to know and will regret knowing.” Deep down I do want to know cuase if it is me (maybe maybe not) then at least my mind will somewhat be at ease.. To all the readers that read though my blog if you know me and know me well then please do not judge me, therfore I would not judge you about things that you write. And for those of you just not gettig to find out things of my nature please do not get offended or stop reading due to things that you have read thus this far. Im working on a better me and I would not like to do it alone..

A comment from within

This selection that im writing about is from a reader of mine, he is going through some things that i would like to help him with but its hard due to he doesnt open up to me like he does you readers...

As a Day Comes to An End

As the day comes to an End i still find myself weaping over things i cannot change and or do. what is it about a man that makes me just fall head over heals for him/ he knows who he is and he knows that i will do what ever it takes for him to realize that.

He mentioned me in his blogg about a day ago and was seeking substance or help with the way that he is.... I know that deep down i would love him maybe one day that day will come to where i have him in my arms and hold him tight, who knows that else will being me to this.... i know that he is going on a cruise in october if the weather is right for him to do so. i do hope that he will be safe and have a safe return home....

Expressing A feeling

Today's Topic is about how i am having problems expressing my feelings twards a person. People always tell me that i make it easy for them to tell things, if that be the case why is it so hard for me to find a good GUY to be with.

Grante i have several people that would like to Holla at me as you call it, but is there really a good guy for me? alot of times its hard for me to tell a guy how i feel, i went though my phone today and deleted all the numbers in my phone that did not mean nothing to me, some how i find myself keeping certain ones. Ones that either put something on me that i could not refuse or just ones that touched me in places that no other has done. those people would know who they are... Now its like i dont have a clue as to what i want to do anymore. that is why i find myself doing the things that mean most to me.. Being ME....... why is it like when i talk to a guy its like i already know what they are going to tell me, EX: your not my type, lets just be friend, yady yada and things of that nature... i would just like to find a guy thats always by my side eery minute no matter what situation im in... people say that i kold hearted or vein, in some ways. i dont think that i am, im just blunt with what i say...

Until then another day another dollar....

beneith my well beings

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to know what another person is thinking and or feeling? Well todays topic is about learing what you already know, and how true it can be

I have learned by my past relationships that you cannot always trust what the other is saying, grante im no artist of telling the complete truth about some things but most of which i tell is to the point if not right on target. Im a reader of people and love doing it, most of the time it comes with nature. i love to sit and watch people as they do there daily task.

I found out today that a guy that i once dated is seeing someone else, is it wrong of me to feel hurt by that? he stated that me and him will always be freinds, now take in mind that this is a person that i love being around and i loved doing things with, he was an all around guy, now take im mind also that he is like 8 yrs younger than i am but i didnt care, he was always there for the comfort of knowing that i could call him at anytime of the night and talk to him for hours. i love him still to this day and i would marry him if the laws of this state would let me. no doubt!!!

Im just wonding if its an infatuation that im seeing or a long life partner? could this be something that ive always wanted or soemthig to pass the time?

Perfect

I made her...she is different. She's Unique
With love i formed her in her mother's womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember with great pleasure the day i created her

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh.
And the silly things she says and does.
She brings me great pleasure. This is how i made her.

I made her pretty and not beautiful, because i know her heart
And knew she would be vain....
I wanted her to search out her heart and learn that it would be Me in her
That would make me beautiful...
And it would be Me in her that would draw friends to her.

I made her in such a way that she would need me.
I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be...
Only because i need for her to lean and depend on me.
I know her heart - I know if i had not made her like this
She would go her own chosen way
And forget me...her Creator.

I have given her many good and happy things...
Because I love her.

Becuase i love her, i have seen her broken heart... and the tears she cried alone.
I have cried with her and had a broken heart too.

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone.
Only because she would not hold My hand.
So many lessons she's learned the hard way because she would not listen to My Voice.

So many times i have set back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone.
Only to watch her return to My Arms sad and broken.

And now she is mine again.
I made her and then i bought her....
Because i Love her.

I have to reshape and remold her...
To renew her to what i had planned for her to be.
It has not been easy for her or for Me.

I want her to be conformed to My Image...
This high goal I have set for her.
Because I Love Her.

The Cleaning Capt'n

Let me begin this evening by telling you that it is a shock to find out that someone likes you and the bad part about it is there straight.

I worked with this one guy lets call him (Juan), He was my cleaning capt. at the job where i work.
Everyday juan would come in like usual at 8 o'clock sharp, not a min early or late. he did his usual and went on about his mary way. well i started hanging out with him on a daily basis, in the afternoon when we both would get off, we would go and have a drink and go home. juan decided he was going back to his home town. so i helped him get a bus ticket and headed home he went.

I talked with Juan last night and we talked about everyting, i mean everything, he was telling me how much he missed me and how much he wanted to give me a hug and hold me and all that, i was like WHOA, dude your straight, at least that what you claim to be anyways, he told me that he had went to jail and he had a bitch in there. i was like, so what you trying to say, im yo bitch now, he was like NO, YOUR no where near that. your special to me, your a friend and i hope to be more than a friend.
I just was in shock when he said that, and somehow i hoped he would have said that before he decided to leave this town, but he didn't. Well to make matters worse, he now wants to date me and i dont know what to tell him, i did tell him that i have a friend that me and him could just be friends an that was it, he really didnt like that idea but was ok with that for the time being and he told me that if the relationship didnt work out he would still be there, and i reminded him that he was straight once again and that i was not, and that we both know where we stand and all, he was like i know all about you and im comfortable with you at all times. thats why i have let you know now how i feel twards you and all.

It was a shock and all, i dont have a clue as to what to do just yet... i will hav to make my decission soon.. unitl then.......GO ME!!!!!!!!!!

Fresh Start

It has been nearly a month since i last wrote to you guys, I haven't really had alot going on, this is the month where i find out if i have to have my surgery, or NOT, iM hopeing NOT.
I went to the Dr last week and he gave me some type of pill that really keeps me calm at all time to keep me from snapping on someone, i really needed that one, i guess.

I met this really Kewl guy that i think i like alot, His name is not that important, at this present time lets just say that im happy right now, for the mean time, i dont know where it might lead to i hope to more happiness for me, who knows what the future holds for me and for him.

Id also like to say that i have met alot of people in my time and most seem to be pretty kewl kats at times, but some can really be a bitch or a turn down for me, especially if i give 100% an they give NONE!!!!

MOTHER

We all have some kind of struggles as we're goin thru life. The biggest challenge 4 1person, can be just piece of cake 4another.
The madness we face
The games we play
The hurt we deal with
The tears we cry.
The love we share..

Eventually all will come2 end

But..
There is only 1person remember ur smile when u come in the room,
the 1st time u walk,
ur 1st word,

YOUR MOTHER!

The greatest pain any MOTHER has 2go thru is to BURY her
own children.

Live strong
Live long
Make ur mother PROUD.

We were meant to live for so much more..

It's Raining, And No Men

Well, how would i start off the day? it raining and i had planned on helping out a friend in the yard today, his roommate and himself have company comming over on tuesday and it looks like its going to be a long day. Dont know when exactly were going to start with the cleaning and all. Guess it will have to wait for another day.

On antoher note, things are looking for the best for right now? Things are going to go on a slow slow basis.

well i told him how i felt and i dont thin i would ever want another person to know exactly how i fee but him, i didnt want him to go one without knowing how i felt and all

The Big Day

Everybody's Always talking about having a Big Day and what it would mean to them to have one. I myself don't have very many of those..a big day for me would be to tell someone how i truly feel in hopes of return that he might feel the same way. a big day for me would be like getting home and seeing the person that i love and trust waiting patiently for me on the couch. he doesnt have to know how to cook or even clean just be himself. thats all i ask. i know one fellow thats like that, he is always himself, his name is not really that important and he would pitch a bitch if i put it in here, but he is the kindest guy that ive ever met, very suttle in his own ways, very pleasant to be around, i honestly deep down think that ive fallen for the guy but dont quite know how to tell him that. I really dont want to scare him off or let him that im just toying with his emotions, i dont do that to people. what should be said and what should be done to make things right from the jump so that i dont have to explain why i feel the way that i feel?? Maybe i should just sit down and kiss him and tell him how i feel in hopes that he will NOT slap the shit out of me.. i konw he would not do that to me i just can tell it, he may act like he would want to but i doubt he would.

Sleepy Days

im sitting up early in the morning, trying to get some sleep but cannot get any sleep, im going to try and get some sleep now

Sarcasm

Here is a really good question for all you people, If be sarcastic all the time is painful to the mind, then why do people do it 24-7?

Thoughts From Within

As I look out on today i see things that amaze me most defiantly. Sometimes its like Men in general don't get the picture of how to do thing around the house, around with people or in just all places.....i really dont understand what it is that a guy wants all the time, i guess it comes with being with the person all the time or being around the person 24-7..

To Sum It all Up

Ok, we all know that living the GAY life is a Bitch, RIGHT? Right! Well let me start off this subject with a BANG!
Some of your Gay Men that play a roll (what ever you call it) need to step back and realize that you are infact A MAN. I mean i get this all the time Am i a TOP or a Bottom, Shit it goes with out saying, with me, i go either way, which ever my body feels like doing, i know that alot of guys take the dick or they give the dick, i myself do both, end of story! I was talking with a friend of mine today lets call him (BO), Bo is a very good looking young man with a lot of potential, great personality, good looks, smart ass mouth though, but he is an all around REAL guy. when we were talking he happen to mention about the way that his man and him fought all the time and when he would step out of line he would get slapped, i was like hell no. you got to be Joking, right?

I was in an abusive relationship once before where my friend hit me and slammed me into things and just plain out beat the cold hell out of me when i did things that he didn't like, i woke up one morning and said to myself, do i really want to end up in the ER every time this guy decides that i dont do something right? i said no, so one morning when i was up before he was i decided i would make some breakfast,( i know its sounds like a madea thing and its not i didnt hit him with no pan of grits or no frying pan, i did worse) i made the usual, pancakes, eggs, toast w/butter now, and some oj just for shits and giggles, well he got on this kick that his eggs were not done, i was like they are done, and just eat them, he proceeded to throw them in my face, of course i got mad and said why the hell did you do that, he just looked at me and said well are you going to clean that up? i was like hell no i didnt make that damn mess, you did so get on yo hands and knees and clean it up. i swear i got balls like no other that time and he just looked at me and came rushing at me when he did i slapped the shit out if him with the hot cakes and eggs, and my eggs i love them runny so it made a big ass mess on the floor. i just knew that he was going to beat my ass for sure, but he didn't i think the shock kinda flew over him like WHOA< what the hell just happened type deal. i walked away from him and after that he would always treat me with some type of respect, he never hit me again, no raised his fist at me like he used to. i guess the lesson learned here is, TO SUM IT ALL UP, when you get tired of being a door mat you will get up and dust yourself off and carry forward, but dont lay down again or it will happen all over again..........

Another Rising Day

i woke up today thinking that i would have a good day, unfortunalty i didn't, i had a voice mail on my phone from my boss at another store telling me that a friend of ours that we had trained to do work with us had gotton killed, although i know im sad i have to keep on doing what i do, i cannot let one misshap fall between me and my duties as a person, it seems as though the person was in the wrong place at the wrong time and had gotton stabbed several times, im going to call his mother and girlfriend and see how they are doing and all, i know its hard to loose a loved one and i know it is painful to think of what might be going through there heads now. so i will give them my prayers and hopes that they will carry on with there lives as though he would want them too....

Another Oldie (Feelings)

Yall know how feeling feel when you get them hurt? Well let me be the first to tell you , that shit aint kewl, I like this guy, he write on the blogger, hell he was the one who inspired me to write on here, im always reading abotu his days and we text and talk on the phone and yet he still doesnt realize the true meaning of somone liking him like i do. i mean this person is a true individual and i know he i can tell just by the way that he writes and talks and so forth, i dont know how to make him understand that when you LIKE someone you like then enough to be with them. and YES i have told this individual what i like and how i like him and why, but still NO responce, should i just give up or keep on truckin? please let me know the answer to this?

Some Rather Bad News

THis Is the repost from my other page i though i would move it to this one


Alot of you know that on January 5 2007 i had open heart surgery, well yesterday i went to the heart Dr. for my 6 month check up and got some rather disturbing news, seem that my breathing is o.k. but my sternum hasnt fully healed yet and it is causeing some GOD awefull pain in my chest, my doc listened as i took deep breaths to finally tell me that he was going to have to schedule an X-ray to determine wether or not he would have to reopen my chest and fix the wires that hold my chest together, talk about a non happy camper.. well more of an update when i get one for you to know, i have to go to the dr on 20juno8 so wish me luck guys, im hopeing it wont me as bad as i think right about now

Some Rather Bad News

THis Is the repost from my other page i though i would move it to this one


Alot of you know that on January 5 2007 i had open heart surgery, well yesterday i went to the heart Dr. for my 6 month check up and got some rather disturbing news, seem that my breathing is o.k. but my sternum hasnt fully healed yet and it is causeing some GOD awefull pain in my chest, my doc listened as i took deep breaths to finally tell me that he was going to have to schedule an X-ray to determine wether or not he would have to reopen my chest and fix the wires that hold my chest together, talk about a non happy camper.. well more of an update when i get one for you to know, i have to go to the dr on 20juno8 so wish me luck guys, im hopeing it wont me as bad as i think right about now

The Best Day Of My Life

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever.There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did!

And because I did I'm going to celebrate!

Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.;I will go through this day with my head held high and a happy heart.

I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts; the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.

Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile.

I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know. Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down.I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for them and how much they mean to me.

Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me. I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine.

And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures. As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever

Monday, February 18, 2008

2:52 AM

Yesterday I let something go that I thought I would never do. Ive alwas been told that if you love something so much that you have to let it go and that’s what I did, I know if was for the best and I know deep down that one day he will remember who I am and what we had but I just have to let him gather that information on his own. Its not something that I appreciate doing to him but I know that it was in my best interest to let things go and try to remember the good times that we had and forget the bad.

The question

This Is A Question For My Friends!!!! In my eyes I'm not to easiest person to get to know. I'm what most would call a true friend. I'm not going to lie to you just to keep your feelings intact. That's just one of my best qualitites.

My Admiration!!

You've who I desire,

You light my fire,

With every kiss,

You take me higher,

Feelin' like your lovin',

I just cannot resist,

The softness making me hold on,

There's no one, I'd rather,

Share my good lovin' with,

But I promised,

I'd wait till I'm ready for this...

One day we'll make love,

Passion unheard of,

I'll be your man,

If I have my way,

We will see heaven,

Lovin' together,

We won't stop ever,

If I have my way....

I'm so well.

And it's strange to be

I'm torn by misdirection,

You're personify my admiration.

What is it that attracts me to a man?

Why does it hurt when I get hurt;

I guess only time will tell when I actually know what the deals are with a guy.

How do I tell someone that ive liked them for the longest time yet there straight as an arrow?

I like his brother to.. Yet he knows that much about me, he knows my every move, he's like a brother to me and I couldn’t never ever tell him that I like him in a way that doesn’t seem right I could loose the friendship that I have with him

I want a guy Who move hair away from my eyes and the kiss me, Some one who would sing at random moments. Who would let me sleep holding them in their arms. A boy who would get mad at some one if they called me ugly or who was mean to me I want some one who would call me 3 times a day if I went away Who would throw stuffed animals at me when I say dumb things Kiss me a million times Some one who would make fun of me just to make me laugh Most of all i want a guy who would be my best friend & never break my heart! (DONT BE SHY EVEN IF ITS TO SAY HI!)